Living life is a combination of living in the present and at times living in the past. The dimension of memories have a strong elevating sense of transporting us back to visit memories and make them as real as reality. My experience with memories have a bitter taste in the mouth once i get back to reality. Sweet memories of the past that have be wrecked havoc while in the present has that kind of effect. I suppose that is how i would explain how i feel and experience it. Living with memories still intact is one of the most hardest things to go by because they really are embedded in us and will conjure up at any moment. We cannot simply erase memories and leave them aside, sure enough they will be conjured up somehow. So we just have to deal with the reality of memories always harassing, bad ones that is. Memories that remind us that the past was so sweet but now when we arrive to the present we realize that something went wrong.
I’m recently enrolled in seminary and life has gotten on track again after 6. Life after 6 is a metaphor I’m actually using. It sounds cool. But the actual meaning of ‘life after 6’ is not something that I revere in. Let me see…life after 6 has drastically changed a lot of things in me. That change would be in how i think. And that seems to be a constant thing that I always seem to face in the junctures of my life. A sort of crisis that happens and takes me back to square one again. I would really say that stuff like this is really humbling. Life can either give you a sense of hope and dreams and at points life can somehow tear them apart in a glimpse of an eye. And that’s when you come to a realization that things sometimes doesn’t make much sense. Even the best minds would be better off not to reason too much and look for definitive answers because there seems to be none.
I pride myself because i’d like to think i’m an intellectual guy but sometimes being an intellectual we have to come to a realization that not everything can be reasoned and answered. I think when we come to this point where reason seems like shifting sand, we reach a climactic end to deep reasoning. We arrive at this place because reasoning cannot travel the road where reason cannot make sense.
I seem to be going round and round but that’s the effect of life after 6. There is a kind of dent that will never go away. I know it seem like i’m simply being negative but I’m really being realistic. Life with 6 was the best but when dreams slip away when you’ve put so much in it, it somehow is heart wrecking to let it go in a split second. It’s best to say that i’m living life coping with the lost of life after 6. It’s different because life with 6 has been a bliss even with the hard stuff hitting hard in the face.
I was musing on the reality of how we act around those we are comfortable with, those who knows our ins and outs, the good and bad but in spite of all that still have the capacity to accept us. Family fits the description of those who accept us regardless (most families that is), close friends and relatives. Around these groups we tend to put down our guard. Let’s just say that we don’t have to worry too much if we accidentally farted or burped.
But sometimes familiarity shows all too well who we really are and unmasks us from our constant play acting around other people. We can show our anger readily to parents or brothers and probably to some friends whom we trust. Somehow I think sometime we take this overboard. What I mean here is that because we are to familliar we tend to take for granted those in whom we trust because somehow in the back of our mind we know that we will still be accepted.
Familiarity, although it frees us to be ourselves we abuse it with disrespectful attitudes. Imagine how much we work out on how we act among people we respect. I’m sure when we sit and have an opportunity to dine with them we would not even have the thought of talking with our mouths filled with food. We would watch how we sit, how we look. We would take time on our outward appearance. This happens as well when we go out on a first date or are trying to impress someone we are attracted to. We go through all the hassle to appear presentable and acceptable.
I was thinking about this and it made me reflect of whether I’m treating people I know and ffamiliar and comfortable with in a disrespectful attitude. We give too much attention to strangers (people we want to impress) rather then to those who would be there in good times and bad.
For starters let me address that I want to stretch your thoughts in this post.Let’s talk about relationships, God and human.
Even if I had all of God for myself I would not be totally happy or fulfilled. Sure ill have the life of eternity given to me, spiritual bliss, blessings beyond measure and a peace that transcends all understanding. Everyone would like that or would want to experience those things or would give a lot to get all that. I mean who wouldn’t? But as i mentioned earlier, even if i did have all that I would not be totally happy or fully happy.
Again, if I had the best relationship in the world, where i am fully fulfilled by someone of the opposite sex, relationally and physically I would not be happy as well. I don’t have good arguments for this, because I would clearly feel content and fulfilled having this kind of relationship. I doubt I wouldn’t feel fulfilled. But knowing relationships and having an awareness to the spiritual dimensions of life, in this case belief in God, I must say that the fullness of happiness in relationships even positive ones would not bring lasting happiness.
So what gives? If we have God, as most Christians would tell us, it’s all we will need in life. In a sense it is true but not something I would agree to now. I used to agree that I’ll be content having just God. But I must say that this is plainly rubbish kind of teaching. I think a better way of experiencing a happy and fulfilling life is having both a healthy dose of God induced relationship with the divine as well as healthy human relationships as well. Nothing will compensate having one of the other. Fulfillment comes with both. Not just having one.
Like Adam, having every form of spiritual blessing in life, in the garden of Eden; God and everything! But still it says in the bible that God said “It is not good for man to be alone.” Even in the most fulfilling and perfect state Adam needed a companion. Another person to attain to a level of fulfilment. But when Adam and Eve sinned and we separated from a perfect relationship with God, the earth turned ruckus and everything sort of went in the wrong turn. So here again we see that lasting fulfilment come with our relationship with the divine; God.
So for me, we cannot do without the other. Both are important. So stop being super spiritual and say that only God makes me happy and gives fulfillment. God would not agree to that, in fact I see him even rebuking this sort of attitude.
Something that i have been thinking about for awhile. The combination of vision, reality and fulfillment. I seem these things as a progressive move of things. Well something that i would want to relay as a concept of progress or movement.
We will always start with a vision of something to be attained. Something like a mental picture or ideas of what we wish to see or attain. Something that is always ideal.
Then from vision we have reality. Yes, we have a vision of something ideal but we have to also deal with living in between, living in reality. Reality will soon tell us the sense of sacrifice or the amount of sacrifice we have to undertake or go through to arrive at the summit of the vision. Reality has the capacity to choke vision but if one is persistent, fulfillment is close by.
Fulfillment happens when vision interacts with reality and when these come into contention with one another on a positive level, you will eventually get fulfillment of the hard work through reality. Hard work as in putting all your strength, heart and mind wrestling vision with reality to birth fulfillment.
When i think of this progression of movement, i think of Jesus in a way.
Sometimes i want to believe things would be good later, everything would be accounted for and the things that i’m going through would be an ended episode. I wish experiences were like episodes in the TV because an episode would last for a good 45 minutes (minus commercials) and everything would end or if it does not end each TV should would come in installments of 22 episodes a season at most and a should would probably last some 3-4 years at most depending on it’s popularity. But again the bottom line is it has some sort of ending and it closes less then the amount of time we spend in reality.
At times i’m optimistic and upbeat about what i can become, what i can be. I tell myself, “I’m smart, I have a reasonably bright mind. I can think good ideas, even come up with innovative as well as revolutionary ideas.” But as soon as optimism tries to seep in a tad of doubt would cloud every sense of up-beatness that i had and then i’m back to planet earth because the rocket has not shot up to the moon yet.
I have dreams and an ambition but sometimes realities make them look like unatainable goods. Sometimes i think, am i making realistic sights for me to pursue? I say yes but deep down I still believe somehow. So my subconscious mind probes me to believe.
Sometimes we live in two worlds where our mind is intersected with reality and dreams and vision. If we live solely in realistic terms we cease the creativity that our minds would be able to achieve if given the chance. If we live solely in realistic terms we invite fear to grip us, and tell us that the only believable measure of life is following the way things have always flowed. Sole reality alone kills creativity.
To live in dreams alone we never attend to things that matter. We mostly, at most, live white lies as minutes pass. To live in dreams alone invites creativity but sucks out the air that would make them live and give them a chance to live and be something. Living solely for dreams kills real living.
So living is some sort of conversion between dreams and reality. The two have to intersect and blend together to make breathing possible, to make living possible.
Right now reality is biting my dreams, I want to cease and believe solely in reality and abandon journeying and spirited living. But that would kill me in more ways than none. For now never stop believing but never stop walking as well.
So, probings of the subconscious mind.
I seem to deal much with waiting in my bouts with life. Waiting tests and stretches you in unimaginable ways that emotions are wrung up in circles, mangled like threads into knots that are almost impossible to untie. Waiting shows what kind of a person we actually are or it show what our characters are made of. So in the waiting game, what did i learn of my character?
I’m learning that although I meet and get entangled with ‘waiting’ often, i don’t quite like the experience because it make me mad and in a position of valid uncertainty. The light seems to far, and darkness fills every possible void.
I’m learning that waiting makes me aware of my incapability and weakness. Because waiting involves some sort of immobility, in an act of frustration it’s easy to lose control of tantrums and enter into bouts of depression. All too often I see dark emotion waiting to surface and take control. Sometimes they do, and it’s not so easy to pin them down, but i do manage to pick myself up. What that actually means is that it’s always filled with scars.
I’m learning that in waiting, it’s not always supposed to be in a immobile state where we are simply static and unmoved. Like when people teach the concept of waiting on God for the right decisions and all that. But mostly the waiting, when combined with God, always entails a concept of really knowing God’s will to know where to go and what to do. This stance is almost always a build up to fear. Fear in stepping on the wrong path and doing the wrong thing. I’ve somewhat believe in this concept and am unlearning it all. It’s simply a stupid concept.
I’m learning that being static, can actually kill you. It’s true, waiting for long periods and not doing anything can actually cause a mental combustion. I’m not sure about other people but i find it sickening to not be able to do anything. Do something when waiting and believe in what you are doing. If not, the sense of purpose is lost and that would be the thing that chokes the life out of you. Now, what is it i believe in? I believe in writing but some factors have played their part in making me disbelieve in it. Like, it’s not going to bring me anywhere or make any sort of contribution to reality. I have to pick myself out of the rut of disbelieving. So when waiting do something, simply do something you believe in.
I’m learning to stay sane and always have hope. The minute we lose hope we tend to do stupid things. Things that we will eventually regret later. This is the tricky part here but the thing is to find a way to stay sane and cultivate hope. Read, talk with people, paint, create music, help someone do whatever that cultivates hope.
I’m learning that somewhere along the line thing will get better, although not now but it’s a mental decision to combat depression. Sometimes I just don’t want to get on the tread mill of hope because things can get worse and that soon will justify my false feelings that all hope is a lie. This is and will always be a constant battle.